If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
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I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.