If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
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My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I’m never leaving this app.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
my friends when i can’t do basic math
