If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
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When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.