If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
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50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it