If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
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POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
guilty
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.