If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
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Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
roses are red
i fall when i skate
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Oh thanks BBC.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.