If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
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£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!