If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
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Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
I’ll be mad as hell!
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Cinema or bowling
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.