If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
You Might Also Like
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.