if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
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A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
This squirrel eats better than I do
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.