if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
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Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor