if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
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Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.