if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
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I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Dishonest mechanic?
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.