If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
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*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
found this cool rock hiking today
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up
My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.
Me:
My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.
Me: 😑
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?