Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.

My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.

What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.

If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.

Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

Adhd brain is amusing.

I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.

[gets bit by spider]

[I don’t get powers]

[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]

*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee

“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”

*walks outside
*screams

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!

Losers.

VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}

PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!

CIA AGENT: Get me more water!

Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next

Conversations get real after midnight.

11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”

12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”

WIFE: I’m leaving

ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos

Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong

ME: my stomach hurts

STOMACH: you ate too much

ME: maybe I need something to settle it down

STOMACH: no

ME: but what?

STOMACH: nothing

ME: maybe something carbonated

STOMACH: pepto bismol

ME: yes a beer

Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.

why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.

Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it

Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

F*** you and the horse you rode in on!

Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.