Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.

if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

The dark side of Canada

If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.

Psychologist: what is the issue

Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.

Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.

Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.

Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”

Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.

Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks

In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.

-phone call-

Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok

I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit

i guess his teacher was really pissed

I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.

Grandpa: Who’s that guy?

Me: Captain America.

Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.

Me: No, that’s Thor.

Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?

Me: Um… Yes?

Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.

“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃