If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
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when she block me on everything
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
New Tinder profile.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.