If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
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love pickles so much i put myself in one
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Last-minute gift idea!
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription