If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
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[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Monday Lisa
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree