If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
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I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
How much for the goth pool noodles?
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown