Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHAT SIGN IS SHE

I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear

The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours

When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow

I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈

*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”

*first date*

Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉

Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*

assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%

shrink ray company CEO: excellent

Strange things: the prequel

Stranger things

2 Stranger 2 Things

Strangest Threengs

Strangfour th4ngs

5tranger Thing5

Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift

FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

judge: your word is meaningless.

me: meaningless. m-e-a-

lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.

PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.