Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk

[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?

Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.

him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.

[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak

Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying

Brother: They’re speaking Korean!

Mom: Shhh

Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.

It might have been meant for a really small family.

murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur

People with pretty privilege?

You mean the gourgeoisie???

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years

Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?

Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.

2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever

Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?

My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.

coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body

my wife: could we remove the kazoo

I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same

I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.

My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter

mom: you’re grounded for today

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[10 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.