If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
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Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window