Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

[grocery store]

dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying

[baby keeps crying]

me: wow, your baby does not listen

When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black

I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one

GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things

🤭😂

when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn

[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard

I’m trying to write.

My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.

I’m trying to write.

The dog is barking at the hammer noise.

I’m trying to write.

Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.

…I’m trying to write.

TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?

STUDENT: dammit I’m mad

TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else

I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.

I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.

This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10

When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot

MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH

The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”

Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes

Voodoo map

All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.

Trainer: How often do you exercise?

Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?

T: Uhhh sure.

M: Ok then still not that often

Is there a class for just the karate noises?

I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…

[both kids wake up sneezing]

…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.

Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.

14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.

“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.

Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.