Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent

GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.

Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.

Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable

Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.

My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?

Him: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Usually.

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

[First day studying philosophy]

Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.

Me: Me?

Professor: Yes.

Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?

Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.

It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.

“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”

You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.

[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.

-husbands everywhere

crochet youtube is brutal

If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.

$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguents

I’m barely getting by.

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude

whenever i wake up before my alarm

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?

boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.