Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine

when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.

If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him

wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker

The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.

“Get in the van if you want to live.”

Creepy Terminator…

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?

[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*

[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:

Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner

Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon

I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support

A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent

*looking a gift horse in the mouth*

– British dentists

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”

There are two rules in life:

1) Never give out all the information.

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.

People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.