Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.

If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:

If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”

“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.

If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.

Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.

Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.

The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.

Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?

Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years

My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.

What a rip off.

There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”

A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.

Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.

Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?

Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.

a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables

“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”

My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat

More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.

bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century

Let’s Go

one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

Ironic