If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
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I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”