If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
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[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Joseph Smith, 1833
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
