Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

[Arriving at party]

Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?

Me: I was told “infancy dress”.

Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now

Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.

I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.

In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.

All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat

Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”

[pitching script]

WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…

PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?

W: it’s a burrito

P: holy shit

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.

There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos

[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT

Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.

After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.

The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about

batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”

Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*

Bae: Come over

Me: Do you have food??

Bae: My parents aren’t home

Me: Are they coming back with food??

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide

My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?

Mmmm. Shoeshi