If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
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Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Running your mouth is not cardio.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day