If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
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[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
mmm onion ringos
Worst perfume name ever.
I like crazy people until they notice me
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
