Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me

Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women

COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*

My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family

[At the job interview]

“Why did you leave your last job?”

“They took a vote.”

Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger. 

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”

*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.

Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi

Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)

Daughter: I drew a picture of you

Me: where’s my big muscles?

Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question

Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.

Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any

cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”

3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!

Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*

Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.

I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.

her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much

me: *points at coffin* well not everyone

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

ME: you look great tonight

DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime

ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.