If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
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I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
🙀🙀🙀😹
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.