Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*

I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.

Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!

Blacksmith:

Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then

When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.

My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.

This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?

Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?

Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.

Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)

Big Sex has us all fooled

ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball

Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.

Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.

I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(

The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card

Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.

girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant

me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO

Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my

I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.

little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.