This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
You Might Also Like
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.