If your pharmacist was as hot as mine, you’d be in line for your fifteenth flu shot as well.

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When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”


*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold


I like my Facebook messages like my Fast & Furious movies: unseen.


Director: we haven’t heard from the fly on the wall documentary crew in days any idea what happened to them?

Me: *slowly pushes rolled up newspaper out of view* no – no i haven’t


The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.


me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea


me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea



Me: This is nice
Mattress Salesman: Sir, I am done with this so called “test run”


When a coworker says “This is all Greek to me”, I always assume they want me to punch them right in their throatopolis.