Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?

“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.

How much for the sentient racist skeleton?

“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”

We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.

Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?

when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.

having a job is cool but everydayyy???

Me: You have to do your homework.

My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?

Me: Obviously yes.

Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.

A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.

A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”

When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.

Spotted in New Orleans.

People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

marvel comics have peaked

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now

Husband: *sleeping soundly*

Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?

What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.

It cost me an arm and a leg!