Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”

The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?

“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.

PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.

ME: Is it saying anything?

PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…

As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”

Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*

8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.

Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes

Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.

“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”

Do you have any ‘baes’?

“Please leave”

Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes

My favorite state to visit?

Unconsciousness

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?

I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.

Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important

There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.

[first date]

HER: I’m a really big cat person

ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat

Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH

*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”

“Let’s not fight.”

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.

What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.

Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet

Cinderella: I have size 5 feet

Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night

Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin