Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle

Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*

My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…

But I’m worried he might take a fence.

#Jokes

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?

You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.

OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.

What do you want, a meddle?

Sex so good you see dead people.

My soul is possessed by fried chicken.

“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Not a single soul on this Earth:

Not even their mom:

iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”

“I enjoy long walks…”

-Zombies

[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”

My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.

I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*

This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere

Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?

Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.

Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why