If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
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Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
the rocks need my help
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
ew if literal: let me be clear
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
The booster protects against what, now?
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.