If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.

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You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.


My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.


If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun


Aquaman: Come on in the water is great.

Ironman: Sorry dude I have rust issues.


me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
me: “Gap”


Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]


I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.