If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
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My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills