If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
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SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”