If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
You Might Also Like
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
