Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend

My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?

me: does sex count?

doctor: yes

me: then no

Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.

Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.

Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.

<— only has 13 problems left.

Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!

Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.

My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!

I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”

COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*

Hey dude that invented the unicycle…

Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle

[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”

*i put two straws in my drink*

gf: awhh 🙂

me: hell ya double barrel

*i use both straws*

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.

[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”

Cop: You been drinking?

Me: No.

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.

Me: Alphabet the.

Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.

Me: Each letter.

eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”

Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish

He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.

Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.