If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
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I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”