If your pop-by work question takes longer than it takes to toast a Pop Tart or microwave a Pizza Pop, that isn’t a pop-by. Make an appointment.
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This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
#TopTip
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
