Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction

The accuracy #BlowsMyMind

[At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.

Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY

Me: You *just* ate

Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT

*watches a house fall on you*

*steals your shoes*

No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.

me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

NEW DRINKING GAME:

1) Put on the new Twilight movie

2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.

Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me

Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car

My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today

[game night]
date: do you have siblings?

me: *flips table*

date: so you’re the youngest

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.

-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*

Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.

Idiots

“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”

Drunks and 1 year olds.

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens