Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.

Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.

You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”

god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes

me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then

god: LOL wow, you are funny

Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain

my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”

[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.

Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.

*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by

Me: FOREHEAD KISSES

6-year-old: Is it cold outside?

Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.

6: I should stay home.

If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card

me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you

Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.

Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.

Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!

Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

For anyone that’s still confused here’s a cheat sheet for this week.

Sun
Idk
Wtf
Idk
Idk
Wtf
Sat

Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid

Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.

Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.

[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*