Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”

Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?

Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?

If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die

Good morning

Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism

*manager is hit by a chair*

Me: How so?

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!

Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*

People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019

Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”

~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~

Me, “I want a divorce.”

7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other

Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?

7: I need $20 and your car keys.

My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾‍♀️🙆🏾‍♀️

Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese

Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.

Doctor: You have 6 months to live

Me: omg what can I do?

Doctor: Oh lots of things

Me: Phew

Doctor: but only for 6 months

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty