Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

How to parallel park:

1) Park somewhere else.

Ah..makes sense now

Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.

Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”

Things a raccoon and I have in common:

1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.

When’s dinner?

-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)

[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons

[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.

What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.

First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*

Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*

My kid: Teacher do you poop?

[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO

Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.

[First date]

Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”

Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.

My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.

Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

asking my bank if i can do extra credit

Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose

Me: I pick u…

Partner: I knew you lov…

Me: …nited airlines