if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
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I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Milk Cube
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Aight bet
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price