Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

me: thinking about getting into necrophilia

her: over my dead body

me: that’s the spirit

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.

me: can i buy you a drink?

her: i’m getting married at 5

me: cool so we have 2 hours

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast

I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.

Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night

7: I want to be next to you

Me: Aww that’s so swee…

7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag

Me:

If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset

Cop: do you know why I stopped…

Me: *holding up hand for a high five*

Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…

Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*

Cop: what are you, Umm

Me: *i hold eye contact* hi

Cop: *blushing* hi lol

Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me

Battery falling down a hole

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.

a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press

Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.

Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.

Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.

I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang

😎 🍻