Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who were the kings of disco?

A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees

Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen

winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look

but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim

Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…

Friend: I grew as a person

Me: Did you molt?

Friend: What?

Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?

Friend:

Me: Can I see it?

ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

nobody:
my fish before I fry it:

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?

I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.

During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her

Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.

Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.

Wife: London. He means London.

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine

im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”

Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.

Me: What word?

The child: Funking.

Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.

The prophecy is fulfilled

[trial in gotham]

lawyer: please state your name for the court

bruce wayne: batman

lawyer:

judge:

jury:

bruce wayne: wait shit no

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.