If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
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*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you