If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
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ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Good boy 😂😂
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
ACED my prostate exam!
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
𝗦𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀
so imagine
a thousand
bad
stanzas
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.