Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.

[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]

Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”

dutch so unserious

2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.

4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.

I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field

[Element Support Group]

Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming

[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”

[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”

[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”

me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]

fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO

Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

Chasing my dream

Dream: I have a girlfriend

“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs

This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”

The only thing we need to bring back is duels.

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship?

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.