If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
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That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.