If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
You Might Also Like
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
get you a girl who
*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
I bet birds love this building.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
The cheapest way to fly is off the handle
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.