If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
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The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
mathematicians be like “the limit does not exist” ok nerd then how come I’m at mine
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
everyday is christmas if you’re a shopaholic with adult money
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home