If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
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me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
i have one speed and it’s mosey
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client