if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
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Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.