If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
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[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.