Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Mom group]

New mom: My six-month-old is teething.

My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.

Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

Botany good plants lately?

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)

My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.

All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.

My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.

You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.

Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings

Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry

[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!

friend: what r u up to

me: eating 3 pounds of pasta

friend: what r u training for

me: eating 5

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous

Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.

Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.

Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them

My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.

*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*