Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’

You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”

There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords

*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂

If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.

– Old folks home fortune cookie

[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie

My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.

LAUGHING.

When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.

My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles

Which is why the lights stay off!

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.

can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock

He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath

PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”

girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on