If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
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every man in east london
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Its a hippotatomus
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age