If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
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Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
This is my pinned tweet
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
They’re the worst 😩
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*