If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
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My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
the world’s most popular steaming services
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Grew big
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo