If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
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Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW