If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
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Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
We found love in a hopeless place.
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KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…