Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.

dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot

It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.

I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*

Him:*middle finger*

Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED

My account is fake I’m actually your probation officer.

‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.

I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.

Where is your GOD now????

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz

[at a fall festival]

Him: you look gourdgeous

Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*

Him: please don’t leaf

her: did you know Weezer covered Africa

me: [impressed] with what

I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.

[fraud trial]

Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?

Defendant: no– they all actually exist

Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.