If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
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Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes