If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
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WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.