Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down

Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.

listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa

Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.

I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.

Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.

BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want

Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*

They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.

Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.

Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”

I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

[insect crime scene]

ant detective: do you have any suspects?

ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick

[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name

Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house