Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to speak to America’s manager.

RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him

Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer

If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.

Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

[speed dating]

Her: THIS IS NICE

Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO

Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?

Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED

[at funeral] You really had to see him live

It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.

“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”

95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it

My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.

*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?

If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

Me: *opening trunk*

Tied up Guy: ope

Me: omg this isn’t my car

Tied up Guy:

Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing

Tied up Guy: happens to everyone

Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat

Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??

Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.