Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M

My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?

Me: Yes!

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.

What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.

For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.

Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game

reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird

Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*

Her: OMG

Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short

Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*

7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.

Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.

“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be mysterious

[ next day ]

her: hello

me: i’m in the witness protection program

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.

I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos

Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,

Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.

[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never

*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper

has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem