If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
You Might Also Like
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
the only organized thing in my life is crime
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.